Today's torture session at Newcastle Under Lyme Justice Centre

I'm feeling a bit better, I've had a bit of a sleep. I'm going to use my blog as a personal record of the torture and abuse sessions,for the upcoming Nuremberg style trials which will be happening  once this horrific government is booted out. 

I AM INSERTING THIS, I DON'T USUALLY EDIT MY BLOG POSTS BORN IN THIS CASE I THINK I NEED TO, AS IT LOOKS LIKE THE SUPPOSEDLY INDEPENDENT DWP TRIBUNALS ARE ACTUALLY BEING CONDUCTED BY THE DWP!!! AND THAT MAY WELL EXPLAIN WHY I WAS TREATED LIKE THIS. I'M ALSO AWARE THEY ARE SPYING ON ME ONLINE, WHICH IS ALSO ILLEGAL.

My son came with me. I was expecting to win my tribunal,  I just assumed I would get a humane judge who would take one look at the horrific saga of abuse I've been subjected to this past 50 years and decide in my favour. Sadly, it wasn't to be.  The DWP didn't turn up,  and the judge decided I didn't have enough medical evidence,  I actually had a big heavy bag with me full of medical evidence of mental health issues caused by being trafficked as a child.  She adjourned the case and I just fell apart,  it took all my willpower to get into that court in the first place.  I couldn't stop crying and had a massive meltdown,  tried to leave the room, my legs had gone to jelly with the trauma,  and my head was spinning round and round.  It was horrific.  I ended up in a heap on the floor.  I thought I was going to die, my heart was absolutely pounding. I passed out.

My son has told me tonight that while this was happening the judge was threatening me to call security, and berating me that I could talk so why couldn't I move my legs. I've been crying about that because I would have thought, was led to believe the tribunal judges are more compassionate.

Altogether, I was on the floor for 2 hours. Some people came in,  mental health people. They were very kind but I don't think they really knew what to do.

I think one of these days someone is actually going to die in that court. Someone is going to have a heart attack and they'll find them cold two hours later. I think it's dangerous to do that to people. But I don't suppose they care.

Anyway, that's what happened today.  It's absolutely horrific that vulnerable people are being treated in such a cruel and callous way.  I was suicidal today, I really felt, was made to feel like I couldn't go on.  And I've got to go in for another torture session in a few weeks time.  I'm absolutely dreading it,  but at the same time I'm almost glad they're treating me like this, because I'm here today,  blogging about it.  I felt that Jesus had abandoned me today, no He hasnt, He is using me,  it's His cross I am carrying, because I had a message on my blog from another child abuse victim, saying I had probably saved his life by blogging my pain.

I'm not going to be able to stop this abusive shit, all I can do is try to endure it, and write about it. There will be trials soon, and I am not going to want to miss being able to give evidence and see the cruel bastards who have made my life a living hell for so long being taken down into the cells.  Like George Harrison said, All things will pass.

The Crisis team

I know you read my blog, I'm not thick! So I'll say this to you here rather than tomorrow.

You can tell that dickhead  Michael paedo Brown to fuck right off into the the next universe and once there keep on fucking off until he reaches his homeland of hell. I expect his trousers are brown in anticipation of the Nuremberg style trials that are coming soon,  he's going to be doing time soon once that gets going, once this horrific government is finally booted out.

As for the two ladies coming tomorrow, I will be polite, I always am, but they won't be getting a cup of tea or a biscuit, I do not make tea or serve biscuits to backstabbers pretending to "help" me and "be my friend", thought I'd best make that perfectly clear so as not to cause offence when I make myself a cuppa while they're here and I don't offer them one.  Unless they want to make do with water I suggest you equip them both with a thermos flask,  they could be round my house for some considerable time as I have a lot of things to tell them about the bloody disgusting way I've been treated for years.

Today's court torture sessionn

I am trying to come to terms with what happened today in court, my PIP tribunal. It's been adjourned. I can't stop crying, I feel like my heart has been stabbed a billion times. I collapsed in court and have just been crying and crying. There were two mental health people, they were kind and tried to help me.  I don't think they really knew what to do, they were very kind but I think they realised there isn't anyone to help me.  They did try though.  They said someone from crisis mental health services would contact me. Well they haven't, I told them they wouldn't, I told them Im on the murder list, the mental health services are run by Stafford police and they want me dead. So there's no help for me from there, they hate my guts. I am tempted to think even the Lord has abandoned me, but that can't be true, He wouldnt, but I do not know why I'm having to go though this absolute hell. I know I'm not the only one. I am in another agony, it's like I've been repeatedly stabbed through the heart.

The bastards from the DWP didn't even show up they are the  shittiest dirtydest evil scumbag spiteful cowards  they couldn't even face me. It's hard to write this as some evil fucker is fucking about with my internet connection. MIPaedo.

I'm very very low. Id welcome some love, some support. I know I've got friends, others who have been kicked to pieces by the same evil scumbags. My fucking evil Scum ex family can all go to hell though. I know they read my blog, I expect they're laughing their fucking nuts off about me being once again tortured. All I can say is, your days will come, it will be your turn one day.  What goes around comes around. And that goes for all those shits at St Michael's church of hypocritical scumbags as well.

I was suicidal earlier, it's hard to go through this kind of torment and not be in total dispair. I'm very very wobbly right now. If I do kill myself I will be doing it publicly and writing all over my body in perminant ink. I do not want to do it but I can't go on like this for much longer it's too long, 50 years is too long.  I am thinking about changing my name to Nelson Mandela as I am a prisoner right now.  The DWP/Crapita and that shit of a church have made me a prisoner.

The Scapegoat

scapegoat

[ˈskeɪpɡəʊt]

NOUN

1. a person who is blamed for the wrongdoings, mistakes, or faults of others, especially for reasons of expediency.

   synonyms:

   whipping boy · victim · Aunt Sally · goat · fall guy · patsy
2. (in the Bible) a goat sent into the wilderness after the Jewish chief priest had symbolically laid the sins of the people upon it (Lev. 16).

VERB

1. make a scapegoat of.

   "few things are harder for kids to bear than being scapegoated" · 

   [More]

From Wikipedia

Scapegoating is the practice of singling out a person or group for unmerited blame and consequent negative treatment. Scapegoating may be conducted by individuals against individuals (e.g. "he did it, not me!"), individuals against groups (e.g., "I couldn't see anything because of all the tall people"), groups against individuals (e.g., "Jane was the reason our team didn't win"), and groups against groups.

A scapegoat may be an adult, child, sibling, employee, peer, ethnic, political or religious group, or country. A whipping boy, identified patient or "fall guy" are forms of scapegoat.

At the individual levelEdit

A medical definition of scapegoating is:^[1]

"Process in which the mechanisms of projection or displacement are utilized in focusing feelings of aggression, hostility, frustration, etc., upon another individual or group; the amount of blame being unwarranted." Scapegoating is a hostile tactic often employed to characterize an entire group of individuals according to the unethical or immoral conduct of a small number of individuals belonging to that group. Scapegoating relates to guilt by association and stereotyping.

Scapegoated groups throughout history have included almost every imaginable group of people: genders, religions, people of different races, nations, or sexual orientations, people with different political beliefs, or people differing in behaviour from the majority. However, scapegoating may also be applied to organizations, such as governments, corporations, or various political groups.

Its archetypeEdit

Jungian analysist Sylvia Brinton Perera situates its mythology of shadow and guilt.^[2] Individuals experience it at the archetypal level. As an ancient social process to rid a community of its past evil deeds and reconnect it to the sacred realm, the scapegoat appeared in a biblical rite,^[3] which involved two goats and the pre-Judaic, chthonic god Azazel.^[4] In the modern scapegoat complex, however, "the energy field has been radically broken apart" and the libido "split off from consciousness". Azazel's role is deformed into an accuser of the scapegoated victim.^[5]

Blame for breaking a perfectionist moral code, for instance, might be measured out by aggressive scapegoaters. Themselves often wounded, the scapegoaters can be sadistic, superego accusers with brittle personas, who have driven their own shadows underground from where such are projected onto the victim. The scapegoated victim may then live in a hell of felt unworthiness, retreating from consciousness, burdened by shadow and transpersonal guilt,^[6] and hiding from the pain of self-understanding. Therapy includes modeling self-protective skills for the victim's battered ego, and guidance in the search for inner integrity, to find the victim's own voice.^[7]

From MentalHelp.net

Toxic Families Who Scapegoat

DR. SCHWARTZ'S WEBLOG BY ALLAN SCHWARTZ, LCSW, PH.D.

Allan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D. was in private practice for more than thirty years. He is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the states ...Read More

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We tend to think of bullying as something that happens in the school yard amongst kids who are being mean and abusive to one another. However, over the many years of my practice I have come across cases in which the client presented with the problem and complaint that they felt picked on and excluded from their family of origin. They were distressed, anxious and depressed over this problem despite the fact that they had their own families with husbands or wives, children, careers and friends. Yet, they were experiencing life as though they were children living in their parental home.

Incredible as it might seem, there are families that scapegoat a loved one even into and including adulthood. For a variety of reasons we will explore one member becomes the target of accusations, blame, criticism and ostracism. While it’s happening, family members are totally unaware of what they are doing and would deny it if confronted with their behavior. Often, scapegoating begins in childhood and continues into and throughout adulthood.

Why would a family choose a loved one to bully and scapegoat? The answer has a lot to do with the concept of scapegoating and the purpose it serves. Scapegoating is often a way for families to hide problems that they cannot face. In the examples of cases I have worked with one or both parents were abusive to their children. In adulthood, scapegoating became a way for adult children to hide the fact of family history of abuse by blaming everything on one member who seemed vulnerable for attack. At times the scapegoat targeted by the sibling who was always the favorite of the family. In that way, the less favored sibling becomes the repository of everything that is wrong in the family.

A parent with Borderline Personality or Narcissistic Personality Disorder can vent their own frustrations, aggression and hatred against one child by uniting the others who are made to think that this one sibling is guilty of everything. In this scenario, the parent goads the other children to pick on the one. None of this stops in adulthood. Of course, the child whose personality is most like the personality disordered patient is targeted because that parent sees in the child everything they hate about themselves. Here, too, this pattern continues into adulthood.

The question that scapegoats face is what they can do to deal with the problem? While one would might think this should not be a problem for an adult, the fact is that these people become depressed, anxious, withdrawn and even, in the worst cases, suicidal. There is no way to underestimate the fears, self hatred and desperation these people come to fee. It is common for them to believe what the family tells them so that they accept all of the blame and finger pointing at them despite the fact that it’s untrue.

Commonly used strategies used by the scapegoat usually end in failure and even worse. I have seen situations where the scapegoat argues pleads their innocence before the family only to find themselves further blamed and persecuted. The sad fact is that rational and reasonable discussion is impossible. So, what is a person to do?

Over the years I have recommended family therapy for this situation. Given the nature of the family dynamics involved, none of the families have been willing to attend, not even for the sake of their loved one. The only other alternative that I have suggested and has been used in a few desperate cases, is to walk away from the family of origin by severing all ties.

This is not a decision that is easily made, especially when mothers and fathers are involved. However, given the fact that these very same parents constantly express cruelty to their adult child with unfortunate emotional consequences there is nothing else to do. It’s important to remember that the reason for severing all ties is preservation of one’s emotional health. It’s also important to remember that these scapegoated family members often have their own families that are warm, loving and successful.

The bottom line is that making someone the scapegoat is abuse, whether that person is a child or adult.

Allan N. Schwartz, PhD

Keep Reading By Author Allan Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D.

I'm feeling exhausted most of the time now. I don't think I can take much more to be honest, it's just been too much, too vicious. 

I AM RECLAIMING MY RIGHT TO SPEAK

I stopped blogging due to being bullied to stop. I basically got frightened. I've now been left a virtual prisoner. I've decided to start blogging again.

I want to write about my experiences as a user of Staffordshire mental health services. I've tried complaining through all the "proper channels" and got absolutely nowhere. I want to make this as a quick post about an incident that happened while I was being kept, illegally, on a locked ward at St George's Psychiatric hospital Stafford.

I had been told by the doctor in charge, Dr Ignatius Agell, that child abuse does not cause mental illness. That was what he told me on the first day I was incarcerated there. It was very obvious to me that he did not like me, it was as if he actually knew more about me than professionally he should have. He trashed everything I told him, how id been abused and he said several times during that 15 minuites that psychiatric illness is not caused by child abuse.  Straight away that triggered alarm bells that this hospital was not interested in actually healing broken minds.

I'll go into more detail about what kind of environment and how unfit for purpose St George's Psychiatric hospital is later. For now I want to concentrate on one particular event. I made friends during my 3 week incarceration. It's not hard for me to make friends, I generally like people, I'm a friendly and open kind of person. We were doing art,  I found a not very good art corner with some kiddy art supplies and a guitar on the ward, so I was pretty much amusing myself with those things and other people started joining in. I got the impression that everything was discouraged in that, how do I describe it, shit hole, that the patients (inmates more like) were expected to take their poisons and sit listless in front of the great big enormous telly all day long. Well I can't live like that, to me, that's like being dead. So I found some art supplies and that guitar and other people were starting to do nice things as well, and that included TALKING to one another. One night I went into a side room with a DVD  player as there was a nice film I hadn't seen so I put it on and other people came in, and we were having quite a nice time. I did notice the hospital spy with his red clipboard right outside the room, the staff didn't speak me at all while I was there except to read hospital procedure or shout and bawl at me in my face, but that's another incident. They followed us round with a clipboard, writing down our conversation. Which is, in my opinion, abusive. But I didn't challenge that, I just let it go.

One of the other patients brought up how she had been abused as a child, and that started a discussion amongst us, it seemed we had ALL been abused at some point in our lives, usually at school, by a teacher or someone in authority. We finished watching the film and went to bed.  The film and our discussion was interrupted a few times by a woman I strongly suspect was a hospital plant, a fake patient.  The reason I say that is there were two people on that mixed sex ward, a man and a woman who continually harassed everyone else, and the way the staff treated those incidents was startling, it was as if they approved. It was very very strange.  But apart from a that everyone went to bed in good terms, like friends.

In the morning I was singled out by the OT Therapist. I call her a therapist but I am very dubious that she actually had any qualifications, she reminded me of Gail Tilsley on Coronation street, a shrewd little cat of a woman,  I'm not a Corrie fan so I apologise to the actress who plays that role I'm just trying to explain my experience. She lured me into the kitchen on the pretext of a treat,  and I'm a bit of a foodie, I like my food!  She said we could make blueberry smoothie for my breakfast, so I went with her.  Once in, she locked the door, she said it was because we were in the kitchen with sharp instruments.  Looking back, that seems a strange thing for her to lock herself in a room with a patient, for safety reasons, but I didn't think at the time, I felt unhappy that the door was locked but didn't say anything.  I made my smoothie, and while I was drinking it she started berating me about talking with other patients the night before and upsetting other people.  I was pretty shocked, and asked her who id upset, and she wouldn't tell me, she just kept saying I wasn't to talk to the other patients. I could hardly believe the crap she was coming out with and it made me smile, it was so ridiculous! So I told her, she could hardly expect me to be incarcerated in that place and not actually have any human contact, and she said I could have conversations as long as I didn't talk about certain topics. So I asked her if it was because we were all talking about institutional child abuse that she found so upsetting, and she wouldn't answer that, she tried to steer me away from that question and said patients were not allowed to discuss their own case history! I had never heard anything so daft and it was all I could do not to laugh in her face! But I kept it polite and calmly told her that if she wanted patients to stop discussing their own case history amongst themselves she had better announce it to the entire ward, and she said she would, at the morning meeting, and then she unlocked the door and let me out. Of course the first thing I did as soon as she released me was go and tell all the other patients, and we had a very good laugh at the nonsensical control freakery of the silly woman.  Well they do say laughing is good for mental health!

We went to bed and in the morning I made a big effort to attend the morning meeting. As I am a bed hugger and don't like getting up too early that was a big deal for me. I just wanted to be there to see the fun when the Gail Tilsley lookalike made her public control freak announcement. I was highly disappointed when it didn't happen, instead we were given a display of competitive scowling by the grumpy looking staff.

We were all very suddenly discharged en masse after that incident. I wonder why? I expect Dr Agell will come into my blog with some anonymous post to explain what all this nonsense was all about!

If I could go on telly

If I could tell enormous lies
And hide my soul in a fake disguise
And have massacre bomb proofed innocent eyes
I'd probably get on telly

I'm 61, but still fair of face
I'm a funny lady with quirky grace
If I could cut my soul like lace
I'd probably be on telly

On telly I would tell the truth.
The ratings would go through the roof.
I'd take a massive pile of proof
If I was on the telly.

Lying Laura would look aghast,
Her pinched up sneer would crack at last
As I whistleblew at a cracking blast
If I was on the telly.

I've written to the BBC,
And they won't touch me with a pot of pee,
I don't think any of them like me,
They won't have me on the telly.

SOMEONE IS MESSING AROUND

This morning I turned on my tablet only to find someone had been there before me. Someone is somehow accessing all my personal and private data. This blog page was actually open on my tablet and it was not me or anyone else in this house who opened it. The only ones with the technology and motive to do such a thing are GCHQ.  I am hated by GCHQ because I have stood with a fist to them and denounced them as dirty filthy creepy, cruel, greedy, satanic child abusing lying scumbags. Which they are.

Anyway, I was sad to receive a letter this morning from a law firm I had approached to help me not just to get justice but to be able to access NHS treatment and put an end to the horrific nightmare of abuse and gaslighting for ever. The law firm has decided not to take me on as a client. I know they will be reading this blog, I'm not stupid, I know how the game of life works  in the UK right now,  how people scrutinise social networking. I'm all over social networking and I'm not ashamed of that,  I've had to use my internet voice to save myself from being destroyed by the wicked ones who are gaslighting me.

So I am going to use this blog post to beg the law firm, I won't name them whatever decision they make, I am going to beg you to reconsider. I know I might seem to be a scary client to take on, because of the abusive monsters on my back,  but I have a cast iron case which will be a very very easy case for any law firm to win, once it actually gets to court. I am going to win it with or without your help, but it will save my energy to not be spending weeks looking  for a good law firm. Please,  please do reconsider your decision.