If I could go on telly

If I could tell enormous lies
And hide my soul in a fake disguise
And have massacre bomb proofed innocent eyes
I'd probably get on telly

I'm 61, but still fair of face
I'm a funny lady with quirky grace
If I could cut my soul like lace
I'd probably be on telly

On telly I would tell the truth.
The ratings would go through the roof.
I'd take a massive pile of proof
If I was on the telly.

Lying Laura would look aghast,
Her pinched up sneer would crack at last
As I whistleblew at a cracking blast
If I was on the telly.

I've written to the BBC,
And they won't touch me with a pot of pee,
I don't think any of them like me,
They won't have me on the telly.