Tuesday, 22 January 2013


I have been reading some of my old blog posts and diaries. It's very sad reading them, as I can remember the way I felt while I was writing them. Some of the diary entries and blog posts are pretty much screams of agony.

I know some people don't like me very much, because they think I am loud and outspoken, and a bit of a nutter, a difficult person, but it's not nice for any person to be made to feel so wretched.

I think people cover up abuse because they don't know how to deal with other peoples pain.

I have got fat because of terrible bouts of depression that make me just feel so worthless and hopeless. so what I do is stuff myself with food to smother the pain. I've done that for decades, and thats how I have ended up getting fatter and fatter. Then, being fat makes you feel even more depressed and useless, so its a vicious circle.

I don't think everything the Government is doing is bad. I like the encouragement to change eating habits, the trouble is, just shouting LAZY FATTY! at people who eat because they are depressed because of child abuse is no use, because if a person is that low they can't see through the gloom, their self esteem is so low they pretty much feel they don't deserve to be fit and well. I think thats how I get, and it's a right battle to overcome those feelings. But the Governments 5 a day idea is so easy to remember, and so are the other things like the organised walks. They could even be lifesavers for some people.

Anyway, I have lost about half a stone since the new year, and I am determined to shed all the other weight I piled on through comfort eating, when I wasn't even hungry, just in pain. Because even if I don't feel I have a right to be well and happy, the Lord wants me to be, I know that for sure.


Zoompad said...

"I think people cover up abuse because they don't know how to deal with other peoples pain."

Obviously not paedophiles or human traffickers, they cover up abuse to cover their tracks, I wasn't talking about them.

Anonymous said...

Just want to let you know that you are not alone. Step by step we are raising awareness. We are raising an army to stand shoulder to shoulder with you and so many other victims of this horrendous cesspit cartel of abuse.
For the victims of HdLG, Kincora, Bryn Estyn, Staffordshire's Pindown, Rochdale through 100's of other so-called care homes through Elm Guest House and Islington, we are fighting to make the truth known and for justice to prevail.
Your voice will be heard.
We send our love.
Welshwitch from DI Savile outed forum.

Zoompad said...

Thanks for the kind words. I know there are a lot of us, it's incredible when you think about it, how did so few get away for so long with so much crime? But thats what people said about Hitlers cruel regime, the human race never seems to learn, it's so very very sad.

Anyway, I am 15 stone now, which sounds a lot, but I have already lost some weight and am starting to feel better for it. It will be lovely not to be puffing and panting walking up not even very steep hills, and I am going to do it too, because I want to be well, and the comfort eating was to try to numb the pain I have felt inside of me for far too long.

I know I am not alone, the bad ones are bullying people just like me, people who have ended up using stuff, food, alcohol, drugs or whatever as a crutch, for me it has been food, but people aren't kind to fat people, it's like people see you as lazy and worthless, as if you have smashed yourself up on purpose. I am going to lose that pain eating weight and rise above the crap I have had to deal with though, I know I can do it, God help me!

Zoompad said...

Because Jimmy Saville was known all over the world people don't just dismiss the stuff so readily, they can't now, they can't just sweep it all under the carpet any more. Jimmy Saville was a disgusting creep, but in a funny sort of way he's done all of us systematic institutional abuse victims a big favour by being too famous to ignore.

Anonymous said...

the police are the worst having covered up this abuse for so long - let's ope the good ones have enough strength to ensure the corrupt police who have covered it all up, will also be brought to justice - don't worry about your weight Barb - it's another propaganda thing - rich elderly arabian princes are big as a house, nobody makes them feel bad about it - screw them all

Zoompad said...

I just found this:


I remember my dad, who loved musicals, telling me about Judy Garland being bullied to take pills to get thinner by her studio, and how it had wrecked her life. But I never heard of Sandy Hook Records before.

Thanks for the kind words. It's not just about the way I look though, it's the way I feel, being 5 stone overweight is making me feel tired and ill and I want to be well. My ankles hurt just walking down the stairs and I don't think thats right, so the weight is coming off!

demented said...

Keep strong and look after yourself zoompad stick to your healthy eating I am doing a similar thing and it's hard going but worth it. Awareness is growing all the time about the atrocities that have been committed against children in the past and also the present day. I am starting a twitter campaign asking media why they are not covering elm guesthouse . TPTB are very scared as they should be for covering up this horrific abuse for so long

demented said...

Stay strong zoompad stick with the healthy eating it is hard going but worth it I am doing a similar thing. The awareness about atrocities committed against children in the past and currently is growing. I am starting a twitter campaign to ask the msm why they are not covering elm guest house. TPTB are very scared and so they should be the public would be outraged if we can ony get the information out to them. Take care zoom pad

Zoompad said...

Will do, and same to you. I only got fat in the first place because of trying to smother the pain by stuffing my face with food, it doesn't work, the pain comes back with a vengence as soon as my mouth is empty. Thats why so many people comfort eat, and another thing I was doing was playing the great lets pretend it doesnt hurt game. It DOES hurt when people make fat remarks about you, when you can see how much they despise you for being a fatty. It hurts when you go to a swimming pool and hear people mocking you for wobbling, it hurts when you try to buy a bra and the shop assistant looks daggers at you when you ask for a larger size, it hurts when you are told that they dont sell anything larger. It hurts when you go to a gym and all the other people there are so skinny that two of them could probably fit in your shorts - and it hurts that you have to wear shorts, because you cant get a leotard in your size.

I just cant deal with that amount of pain any more, and thats what is driving me to lose a third of my body weight.

Zoompad said...

Well, regarding Elm House, I heard that a world famous singer was arrested last month, and that he had taken out an injunction to stop the media reporting it.

Zoompad said...

I have now got Carol Vorderman to help me though, she is my personal trainer, I bought the DS Active Health game, it is wonderful as I don't have to count up the calories any more, the Carol Vorderman sprite does all that for me, I wish I had seen it before. Why dont GPs help obese people by at least telling them about stuff like this? Anyway, its like having my own personal trainer on hand all the time.

demented said...

I tried clare sweeney dvd for a while much better than going to the gym , but walking with the dog is far more enjoyable so i'm sticking with that at the moment.

Regarding the famous popstar (the needleblog named him today) even though we've all known for a while, unfortunately i don't think he's even been questioned as yet. The msm coverage i think it was the sunday people acknowledged that he was a visitor but only to meet other adult men,which is plainly rubbish. The guesthouse was advertising a discount for spartacus members ie. paedophiles so to pretend men were going there for any other reason than to abuse boys is piffle.

All this is very new to me i was only awakened as it were by the savile scandal. The thing that really resonated with me was savile's abuse of the disabled as i have a severely disabled daughter of my own. I found it incomprehensible that he had managed to offend without the collusion of others in high places which is the line the msm are still pushing.

Anyway this led me to the net and bloggers such as yourself to find the real version of events the newspapers and tv are censoring.

Zoompad said...

I think when people understand exactly what these vermin have done they will really be astonished. It isn't just "a few smacked bottoms" (re Cyril Smith) it goes much deeper and grubbier than that. The same gangsters (thats what they are) who have groomed and raped children and have aided and abetted others to do likewise have also, to cover their tracks, plotted against their victims, hatched elaborate Basil Fawltyish plans to avoid justice, so desperate are these people to avoid justice that they have steamrolled everything and everyone who has got in their way. People might accuse me of being over the top by saying this, but these paedophile gangsters are so determined to cover up their crimes and so absolutly selfish that they have sought to (and managed to do so) change the laws which condemn them, and pretty much destroyed the justice system by doing so. I think they have affected everyone in the country. The man made recession is all part of this smash up. They have panicked, and made a rush to sieze control of everything to make themselves invincable and untouchable. Their own panicking is waking people up more than anything bloggers like me could have ever done, because most people care much more about why their hard earned savings are going down the plughole than an old codger like me!

demented said...

I don't think you are over the top at all. Tweeters and bloggers have been scrutinising David Steele's defence of Cyril Smith in light of recent revelations and others such as Clare Short who blocked Geoffrey Dicken's attempt to outlaw pie in 1984. I can see you were writing about PIE back in 2008. I post quite regularly on the DI Savile forum and I see welsh witch has left a comment on this post. She is doing excellent work pushing a number of petitons one of which is to make public the PIE membership list.

I think Savile and Tom Watsons pmq about a paedophile link to no 10 are a window of opportunity that must used to full advantage. There are many doing good work to spread the word but it is hard going as the majority of the british public seem to live in their own bubbles insulated from the reality of what evil is being perpertrated by many. As you say the created economic problems are making life so hard for many they are so busy making ends meet they are less aware of what is going on around them. That coupled with dumbing down has led to people being less likely to question things. Having said that I believe the real truth of what has been happening to children is so harrowing and shocking that they would find it beyond believable. I know that I am still reeling four months on.

Zoompad said...

I was shocked when I realised that there was an actual club for paedophiles. I also remember an episode of Southpark about NAMBLA.

I don't go to church any more, as a Pindown survivor I dont actually feel welcome in any church near me, and I have been asked not to go to one of the churches, because I had, I wouldn't exactly call it a row, but sort of firm words with the vicar of that church, because he lied to me and I pulled him up about it, and he wasn't very happy about it. He lied to try to cover up about turning his back on me when I went to the church for help, when I was being persecuted in the secret family courts. Sorry if this is long winded but I just want to explain why I dont go to church, it isn't because I dont believe in God, it's that I have asked not to go to that particular church any more, apparently if you tell the exact truth in that place you are out of order, which is too bad. And another church I used to go to, well the vicar of that one tried to stop me praying to Jesus (I wasnt being a nuicence to anyone at all, not ranting or being loud, just quietly praying but he didnt like it that other people got curious and wanted to join in) about the secret family courts human trafficking and Pindown child abuse, he turned out to be a Jesuit priest, yet even though there was a fully functioning Catholic church for Catholics to attend over the road, he had been put in charge of the Protestant church in Market Drayton.

Zoompad said...

Anyway, I also tried various other churches, the Methodist church vicar went as white as a sheet when I mentioned the taboo words "Pindown" and "Secret family courts" to him, by then I was so shattered with fighting the criminal gangsters who were persecuting me in the secret family courts, and fighting with my own depression because of the persecution I was going through that I didnt have the energy to cope with hypocritical hired helper false shepherd vicars any more, so I thought it might be best if I just stopped going to church.

You say you have been reading my blog, and that you can see I was talking about PIE in 2008. Yes, I was, but not just on my blog, I was talking about it to anyone who would listen, I was being persecuted at the time, I have put all about that on my blog as well, but what is frightening is the number of people I went to for help, so many people, so many agencies, so few wanted to know, they would have seen me smashed, they didnt care, and I find that so shocking that church leaders ALL know about all this - and I know that because of the reaction I got when mentioning secret family courts and Pindown - you can see the terror in their eyes when you say those words to them, I have seen it with my own eyes!

Zoompad said...

I think most people do know what has been going on. ALL the vicars do, certainly, its like they have all had some sort of a briefing of how to deal with people like me, abuse survivors, how to scoop people like me under the carpet, how to whitewash everything.

I think that just stinks. I also think that church leaders who do that are stinking hypocritical yellow bellied cowards. I dont see how I can go to church any more, even though the Bible commands it, because how can I put myself under the authority of a leader that I despise as a stinking coward, I have more respect for tramps than I do for church leaders, because there are so few that give a toss about institutional child abuse, and the ones that do get it in the neck from all the cover uppers as far as I can see.

Even Stephen Green thinks I am some species of shit, it bloody well hurts to feel people just want you six feet under or squashed under the rug, for being a VICTIM of serious crime.

People do know though. Where I live, they do remember, but mostly people are too frightened to even think about it. The television and radio brainwashers do a good job in keeping peoples minds as dead as they possibly can. They have fixed moan ins, they dont just cherry pick the people they let on, they also have actors on, to spread their brainwashing propaganda, and people fall for it, but it never really sits right and the brainwashers are never going to stop the actual truth from being known to everyone, Jesus said that, and Jesus isn't a liar even if the people who pretend to represent him are.

Zoompad said...

"others such as Clare Short who blocked Geoffrey Dicken's attempt to outlaw pie in 1984."

I didn't know that! Please could you show me that bit? Clare Short used to be my MP when I lived in Handsworth, and I really thought she was one of the good people. I will be so angry if I find out she has done this, thanks for alerting me